Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
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