You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
