Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
