I never noticed this but I have a beauty mark on my labia minora
Please tell me how you discovered this.
I was looking in the mirror snooping around
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize
