God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
i just had sex bonerless
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
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