you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Randomize
