1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
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