Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
Randomize
