i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
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