Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
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Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
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it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
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