moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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