I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
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