dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
