Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
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