I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
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