I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
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