okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
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