I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
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After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
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I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
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