If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
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