so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
