in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
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