this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
