I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
Randomize
