just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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