Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
