update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Randomize
