I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
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