The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
false alarm, still single
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