Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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