No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
