yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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