my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
