he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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