im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
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the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
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