do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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