I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
i want to bang the Snorg tees girl.. shes always smiling ;)
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
