I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
Randomize
