I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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