My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
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She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
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You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
You are the jesus of drinking
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip πππ
Your skills amaze me
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
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