apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
