mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
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