Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Randomize
