when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
