HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
