so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Randomize
