I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
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