im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
My feet surprised me
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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