there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Randomize
