sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
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