I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I have my period so I felt bad and blew him with cash cab in the background. I wanted to yell out the answers but my mouth was full.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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