I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
