The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Randomize
