FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
