I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
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I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
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I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
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