pedialite and red bull = repair kit
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
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