I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
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