his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
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